romantic comedies

she was a singer
he was tone deaf

she was clingy
he only knew how to be alone

she played the saxophone
he played second fiddle…to the refrigerator

she was an acrobat
he was a quadripalegic

she was an anthropologist who specialized in the bi-pedalism of orangutans
he didn’t believe in evolution (because he couldn’t walk)

she was a virgo,
and he was an asshole.

she wanted to travel the world
he wanted to read about the world only,

she dreamed of living in paris
he never remembered his dreams

she was a lifelong romantic with a strong sense of history
he frequently forgot that he gave up on the idea of true love in his youth

she wanted to confirm that the temples of Golconda had perfect acoustics,
he wanted to confirm the world was not worth traveling.

she was an editor who wished she had the discipline to write
he was a writer who corrected every wrong word she said.

she was forgiving of any questionable quality in people except for self-loathing
he forgave any quality also, as long as it wasn’t his

she hated self-loathing,
he hated hypocrisy

she hated self-loathing
and he was a jew

she used stickie notes as her primary means of communication
his only pet peeves were abbreviations and emoticons

she was a diabetic
he had tiramisu five times a week as a personal superstition

she felt superstitions were for midgets and trolls and generally brought bad luck
he hated pointing out other people’s hypocrisies.

she was afraid of rats and all small rodents,
he had the facial complexion of an ideal mouse

she was diabetic
he was afraid of insulin

she was proud
and he was vulnerable.

she was sensitive
he was emotionally ignorant

she was sensitive
and he was actually a zulu tyrant from the 19th century

she hated sports metaphors
and in the foul ball of life he felt he was a homerun

she secretly despised jews,
and he was secretly jewish.

her favorite food was bacon
and he was orthodox.

she was an astrologer
and he was allergic to the stars.

she spent a lot of time squinting through a telescope
and he spent a lot of time gazing at her when she was sleeping.

she liked matzah ball soup
and he was anti-semitic

he was moneyed,
and she was an impulse buyer who was terrible at math.

she was wary of greek men bearing gifts,
and he was a greek man.

he was a man
and she was a…man

she was moved by his stoicism and patience,
he frequently resembled a statue who could fall asleep with his eyes open

she knew too many jokes,
he was allergic to laughter.

he had too much of a sense of humor,
and she had cancer.

she was always hyperventilating,
he was always annoyed because he thought she was laughing.

she made him cry,
and he was not the crying kind.

she was clingy
he always wore the same suede sweater resistant to dust

he was devilishly handsome
she was generally unattractive

she was a cop who played by the rules
he had to be the banker whenever they played Monopoly and he always cheated.

she was a cop
and he was a common criminal

she was charismatic
he was generally one-note: miserable,

she was a pyromaniac
he was a candle

she was having an affair with a war veteran named Colonel Mustard
and he was mysteriously killed one day in the kitchen, with a candlestick

she was trusted and loved dearly by everyone on the forensics squad at work
he was black and didn’t have any friends.

(there was no investigation.
she was happily remarried.)

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