Toward a Bookseller’s Glossary of Imaginary Sorrows

In the official Bookseller’s Glossary of Imaginary Sorrows—which is not a real thing although it really really should be—the term prefertilization can be defined as preferring and/or preparing to fertilize (a transitive verb). As in, for instance, what happens when you watch Mexican porn at your work place and, not having had the foresight to set your printer to ‘B&W Only,’ accidentally click ‘Print’ just while your boss is making her rounds. And the two of you are forced to look on as a series of Mexican babies emerge from the printer bearing labels like ‘Oscar-Lucinda Redux’ and ‘Las Papillas’, something you later learn—no thanks Google Translate—is Oaxacan street slang for ‘the little papers.’ Although in the great late bandit tradition of the Cuban Hablaneros, on the other hand—which I also know nothing about, although now I’d really really like to—this phrase means something, let’s just say, entirely different.

As a sort of anecdotal aside, I would like to propose yet another reference point regarding the term prefertilizion. For I feel this is a word that might—or sounds as though it might—refer to the case of a sparkleponie at a Burning Man festival—somebody who has very little in the way of basic survival skills but who makes up for it by being naked pretty much constantly. It occurs to me that this is a term that might also refer to the recent cult phenomenon based in the Czech Republic known as ‘Masturbation and its Discontents’—formally known as MAID—which doesn’t actually exist, although if it did (I gather) it would aim to cast unusual and elaborate obstacles during acts of onanism.

As in, for instance, the first person to gain international recognition for MAID—a man from the English chapter—who successfully masturbated while reciting John Milton’s poem ‘Il Penseroso,’ and who—according to reporter Harry Matthews, not technically present at the time—achieved climax precisely while reading out the line—to the possible confusion and/or delight of an otherwise captive audience—‘While the bee with honied thigh.’

Then again, a grimmer reality might suggest another definition entirely for the term prefertilization—as in, for instance, ‘the first days of Spring, when the ink spills out from the pen of the poet (surprise!) like a kind of waterfall of limpid tears that falls out (I imagine) over his pages like his own outstretched coffin, when there is let’s say so much Spring in the poet’s step, the poet could just about spring himself from the window, or else, alternatively (one hopes) the poet could go and read out a vulgar history of an imaginary word to a well-dressed / well-adjusted / well-behaved and otherwise captive audience—which looks on in rapture or terror or (more likely) absolute fucking bewilderment as the poet walks off stage pulling dumbly on his beard, which could be perhaps—who knows?—a kind of death also.’[1]

[1] At they very least it is, let’s just say for the sake of argument, a transitive verb.

1 thought on “Toward a Bookseller’s Glossary of Imaginary Sorrows

  1. It wasn’t until after a racecar driver died attempting to masturbate in the midst of a race that MAID gleaned traction and widespread internet coverage. It is believed the racecar driver achieved climax moments before his death.

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