Glossary of Imaginary Sorrows

Literatorture, noun.

Literary sclerosis exasperated by literary ambition exasperated by sclerosis of the liver.

i.e. I am learning Italian as ‘research’ for a novel about a man who is trying to learn Italian. Neither is going very well. I can’t figure out who is cheating who.

*See also: Montano’s Malady, Death by Plagiarism, Pirandello


When you decide to watch Mexican porn at work, it helps if your printer is set to ‘B&W Only’.

Literatosis (ii), noun.

When you watch Mexican porn at work and you accidentally click Print, don’t be alarmed if your printer delivers a handful of Mexican babies who refer to one another as ‘Las Papillas’.

*See also: Las Papillas (English for ‘the little papers’)

Literatosis (iii)clinical term & terminal illness

Bestselling Memoir, Creative Autobiography, and/or all other related genres that consist of lowbrow attempts to write for the marketplace.

i.e. ‘I come from a petit-bourgeois family. My father was an anti-Semite, my mother an epileptic. My aunt practiced underhanded euthanasia on my grandmother. One of my uncles died of delirium tremens. Another managed to avoid the same by way of smoker’s cancer. The third was blind in one eye’.


I was poor. I was happy. Then I moved to Paris, where I associated youth with despair and despair with the color black.

*See also: ambulance chasing, self-help manual, writing for the marketplace

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